


Hinata Shouyo is doing fine today

by bastardogs



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depression, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Suicidal Thoughts, i kinda projected on hinata-, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:47:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26400622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bastardogs/pseuds/bastardogs
Summary: Hinata has been dealing with depression every since he was a kid, and just when he thought he was getting better, everything comes back at full force and crashes into him.Will his friends finally notice? What does it take to get the help he always needed?
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou & Kozume Kenma, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 1
Kudos: 28





	Hinata Shouyo is doing fine today

**Author's Note:**

> Mostly a vent fic, has a plot but dont expect me to update frequently bc i have issues--- Also got inspiration from Oyasumi punpun, i dont recommend reading it if youre dealing with a lot of shit right now, it can only worsen your mental health :( talking from experience.
> 
> TW for this chapter: Depression Talk
> 
> If you see any grammatical mistakes please tell me, my main language is spanish so if i fucked up i wanna be told ;q; If some characters are OOC im sorry, this is my first work in the haikyuu fandom too, oof-

When we talk about sadness, we project the color blue.

What color does numbness have, then? What color does hopelessness have?

What color does one project, when you just simply give up?

Shouyo believed he was doing okay. He believed he was getting better, he truly did, but when third year came, the year where he and his friends where supposed to graduate, something changed again.

The first day of school was normal, he woke up his usual, energetic self that everyone knew. Practice was okay too; he had fun and was looking forward to meet the new first years that where going to come somewhere around the week. His goal was to be a great senpai once again, before he graduated.

But somewhere along the morning, while he was in math class, something clicked.

_Shouyo was just doing well today_.

He silently gripped his chest, feeling a sudden weight on it. A familiar and dreadful weight that he never missed at all.

With a deep breath, he tried to make it go away. He succeeded a little bit, deciding to forget about it and tagging it as a sudden mood swing. That was alright to have, nothing to worry about.

The school day continued; he was happy to finally be able to play volleyball in the club gym after vacations. He had a great time bickering with Kageyama again, talking with Yachi and messing around with Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. During the years, he became closer to them, feeling confident enough to call them his friends. Yes, even Stingyshima deserved the title of friendship out of him.

He became closer to Kageyama too, even developed a crush on him that he was too embarrassed to ever admit out loud just yet. He planned on confessing this year, before graduation. He wasn’t sure if his feelings would be reciprocated, was he too naïve to believe it all would work out? He liked the feeling of hoping.

But when he was walking home after school, after already parting ways from the rest and going alone towards the pathway to his home, he had a sudden hunch that it was going to be an awfully long year. A hunch that settled in his chest like a snake curling around his ribs, a feeling he felt this morning and decided to ignore.

Maybe its just a bad day.

Tomorrow everything will be normal again.

But when he woke up the next morning, a few minutes before his alarm would go off and staring at the ceiling with droopy eyes and feeling like his bones were made of rubber…

And the morning of the fifth day, when the same thing happened but slightly worse…

He knew he was in for a long and tiring ride.

Depression is a tricky thing; it can come in all forms and never chooses its victim. For Hinata Shouyo, he’s known it ever since he was young.

Was it 11? 12? How old was he when he first started to feel so tired of waking up even if he had and eight-hour sleep? When does one start to realize that they’re not as happy as they believe? When does the loss of childhood begin? When you realize that the world keeps moving even if you stay still?

It started off small, growing up with days being more tiresome than others. His passion for volleyball sometimes dwindling, and practices becoming duller to him.

His parents noticed, for a while. He got… help, but he wouldn’t say it worked. Eventually he managed to fake a smile whenever he wasn’t feeling up to anything, and soon was deemed that he was back to being a cheerful and happy boy. That, or his parents refused to believe that their son was not exactly okay in the head.

Whenever he cried or tried to vent to his parents, it would be meet with anger. Never yelling, never getting physical, but he could tell by their tones.

_‘You’re still on that? Everything’s on your head you know’_

Wasn’t that obvious?

_‘You’re just searching for an excuse to be lazy Shouyo, get up and go to school already’_

His muscles hurt from staying in bed all day, but he also can’t convince himself to get up and stretch his legs.

He stopped requesting his parents for a therapist, since they always got annoyed whenever he talked about his bad feelings. He stopped talking to his parents about things that troubled him and started putting on a happy mask more frequently.

The sadness started to fade away once he started to go to Karasuno, and he believed he was finally getting better. He had a wonderful team, started to make friends and waking up every morning wasn’t as bad as it used to be. He didn’t need help! He wasn’t sad anymore!

But even if the sadness went away, it didn’t mean that the weight on his chest disappeared. It wasn’t until a few months later that he realized that he wasn’t feeling sad, but he wasn’t feeling happy either.

It was as if all his emotions got hidden away somewhere, in a place that he couldn’t reach.

When he met Kenma, he felt like he truly started to care.

Their friendship developed into something that became almost more, Shouyo would lie if he ever said that he never felt any sort of attraction towards Nekoma’s setter. Shouyo wasn’t afraid to admit this to him, since it wasn’t a full _crush_ like he has now with Kageyama, and he was surprised when Kenma told him he felt the same.

They sort of had a thing going on for a while, but eventually decided to stay off as friends. Not a lot of people knew about this, except Kuroo and maybe even Tsukishima, but that wasn’t a big deal.

During the time they spent knowing each other, they became more trustful when talking about their own feelings. You could say that Shouyo found a safe place in Kenma, where he wouldn’t be judged about how he felt. There would be nights spent where both would talk about what things troubled them, which took a huge weight off Shouyo’s shoulders.

Kenma was the only one Shouyo told he was depressed, Kenma was the only one who knew all about Shouyo’s troubled mind. His team or others never found out, and he didn’t plan on them finding out anytime soon. His cheerful mask was well placed and he had no intentions of getting rid of it.

Second year was bearable, and he almost even forgot he was not okay.

Now in his final year, it was like something inside him snapped. It was like as if all the numbness he felt suddenly disappeared, and a huge wave of sadness, hopelessness and anguish engulfed him. He doesn’t know what set it off, literally everything was going fine, what the hell happened?

As he layed down on his bed after a month of his last year passed, he quietly stared at the ceiling with tired eyes.

Maybe he wasn’t ever going to be happy, like, truly happy.

Maybe some people are only born to meet the bad side of life.

Today, Hinata Shouyo was neither happy nor sad. He was just… tired.


End file.
